Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

Ek Joke

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....


On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"


The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.






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TWO BEAUTIFUL STORIES

TWO BEAUTIFUL STORIES
Story 1:
There was once this guy who was very much in love with his girl..
This romantic guy folded 1,000 pieces of paper cranes as agift to his girl.
Although, at that time he was just a small fry in his company, his
future doesn't seem too bright, they were very happy together. Until one day,
his girl told him she was going to Paris and will never come back. She also told
him that she cannot visualize any future for the both of them, so they went their own ways
there and then... Heartbroken, the guy agreed. But when he regained his confidence, he
worked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind just to make something out of
himself.
Finally with all the hard work and the help of friends, this guy had
set up his own company .. You never fail until you stop trying. One rainy day, while this guy was
driving, he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella in the rain walking to some destination. Even
with the umbrella, they were still drenched. It didn't take him long to realize they were his
girl's parents. With a heart in getting back at them, he drove slowly beside the couple, wanting them
to spot him in his luxury sedan. He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same any more; he had
his own company, car, condo, etc. He made it! What he saw next confused him, the couple was walking
towards a cemetery, and so he got out of his car and followed...and he saw his girl, a photograph of her
smiling sweetly as ever at him from her tombstone and he saw his paper cranes right beside her...
Her parents saw him. He asked them why this had happened. They
explained, she did not leave for France at all.
She was ill with cancer. She had believed that he will make it someday,
but she did not want to be his obstacle... therefore she had chosen to leave him. Just because
someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. She
had wanted her parents to put his paper cranes beside her, because, if the day comes when fate brings
him to her again...he can take some of those back with him... Once you have loved, you will always love. For
what's in your mind may escape but what's in your heart will remain forever.
The guy just wept.....The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside her knowing you can't have her,
see her or be with her ever again....... ..hope you understand. Find time to realise that there is one person
who means so much to you, for you might wake up one morning losing that person who you thought meant nothing to you.
KINDNESS Pays !
Story 2

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his
way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.
He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house.
However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water.
She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large
glass of milk He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied "Mother has taught us never to
accept payment for a kindness."
He said... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt; stronger physically,
but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors
were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare
disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation.
When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled
his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her
room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her.
He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation
room determined to do his best to save her life. >From that day he gave
special attention to the case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the
business office to pass the final bill to him for approval.
He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent
to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for
it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught her attention on the side as she read these
words.....
"Paid in full with one glass of milk." (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You,
GOD, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."
NOW YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES.
You can send this page on and spread a positive message or ignore it and pretend it never touched you.

Pandurangadu audio "EFFECT"

Jokes about Lallu Yadav..........:))))

Jokes about Laloo Yadav

Rabri Devi died and went to heaven (Don't Laugh). As she stood in front of yamraj , she saw a huge wall of clocks behind.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Yamraj answered, "Those are LieCloks. Everyone on Earth has a LieClock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rabri, "Who's clock is that?" That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie.

"And whose clock is that?" That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Rabri asked, "Where's my Laloo's clock?"

"Laloo's clock is in my office", replied yamraj, "I'm using it as a ceiling fan.

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Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...

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Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas..So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".

The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.

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Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR"

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After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo.

Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION !!

Laloo, third from left!

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After completing a jigsaw puzzle he_d been working on for quite sometime, Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Laloo brags.

"FIVE MONTHS? THAT_S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.

"YOU ARE A FOOL". Laloo replies. "SEE THIS NOTE, IT READS - FOR 4-7YRS".

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At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."

The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

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Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar.

The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."

Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"

Classic Deadlock

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,

so make arrangement.



Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and

I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.



Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going

abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.



Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving

private tution: I have work for a week, so you need

not come for class.



Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a

week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets

spend the week together.



Grandpa make call to his secretary: This week I am

spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend

that meeting.



Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss

has some work, we cancelled our trip.



Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend

this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.



Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving

private tution: This week we will have class as usual.



Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my

teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I

can't give you company.



Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this

week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement .



Hehe :-)


Just for Laughs




Just for Laughs

Two men

met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?

1st:

Forget mine.

Lets find yours!!

**********

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

**********


What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress

**********

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

"With Idiot For Ever!!!"


**********

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and


Panic

is when both are pregnant.

**********

Teacher: u know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

**********

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???

No, I work in a condom factory & these are

customer complaints.


**********

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential

Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!

**********

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.

Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.

Mother Faints... --

Sardarji Special...







LAUGHS..............LAUGHS...............................LAUGHS


Just For laughs




Interviewer:
what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR


Manager asked to sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.





After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?


One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this!
village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!


Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, 'Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is
Jayanthi.







When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver
adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, 'You are trying to see my
wife? Sit back. I will drive.




Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire
and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!





I Have Some Doubts......:)




1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (To be
given a thought)

2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a
plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
(Very good thinking)

3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who Knows?)


4. Can you cry under water? (Let me try)

5. Why do people say, "You've been working like a dog" when dogs
just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else)

6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God
knows)

7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (By ones eyes)

9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (Tonight I
will stay and watch)

10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oils made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

11. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they
remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (Yes u can)

14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
(Strange isn't it)

15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on
your radio would you be ! Able to hear it? (Got to think
scientifically)

16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?

17. Why is it called a TV set when there's only one? (Very nice)

18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130
when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking
in Bars?

Doctor and patient


A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even
THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his
diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Maths...chill!!!

A little boy was doing his Maths Homework.

He said to himself,

"Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my Maths Homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in Maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


Communication Gap




A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and

asked,

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of

the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's

parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really

needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily

like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a

divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.

My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."




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:._______________
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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and

asked,

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of

the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's

parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really

needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily

like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a

divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.

My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Laloo Jokes!!!


* What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo

* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...

* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.

* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"

* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

* After having become the
Railway Minister, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth
Railway Minister he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"

* Laloo Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"

* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"


Jokes---



--------------------------------------------------------------

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the
farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said
the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the
vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two
pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the
farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."



---------------------------------------------------------

popular banta

Banta was bragging to his boss one day,"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting,his boss called his bluff, "OK, Banta how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta! Great to see you!You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Banta's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Banta that he thinks Banta's knowing
Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says. "President Clinton,"his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Banta says,
"I know him, let's fly out to Washington." At the White House, Clinton spots Banta on the tour and motions him and his boss over,saying,"Banta, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and have a cup of coffee first. " Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totallyconvinced. After they leave the White House, he expresses his doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone else. " The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Banta. "My folks are from
Poland, and I've known the pope a long time." So they fly to Rome. Banta and his boss are assembled with the masses in VaticanSquare when Banta says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Banta emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Banta returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Banta asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says,"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,"Who's that on the balcony with Banta?"



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